Thursday, June 24, 2010

Rationing of Time

Why does 24 hours in a day seem so long when you are eight, and so short when you are 58?
I can remember the days use to seem so very long, the weeks were long, and years were long, but somewhere down the road something changed. I think I was in my late 20's, my dad had his first heart attack... the days got shorter, time went faster. The more I tried to slow things down, the faster it moved. In my 30's, I began to deal with my own"illness", time really started to speed up then. When I was 39, my dad died, and time became a merry-go-round spinning faster and faster. Friends began to die, family members dealt with illness, jobs, Rick in school, every week something robbed me of precious time, I never knew how to say no, and trying to please the world seemed to be my destiny. 5 years ago, my mom died, then a couple of months later, my oldest brother, time was really whizzing by, and for several years I moved and lived in a funk of grief. Honestly, I have just in the past couple of years began to feel like "me". I try to live in the now, which is difficult. I have always felt it was my duty to take care of everyone, but now I try not to worry so much, to let those around me, make their own way. I still have a hard time saying no, but I am learning, to pursue some things that I want to do, and to do the things that make me feel happy and complete. I know I have fewer years left here, that I have lived a large portion of my life, and it is time to do those things that matter to me. Friends and family may not always understand, but life is short and it is moving faster day by day. So, I try to ration the moments, the days, by doing those things that must be done, like work and other obligations, but also, remembering me and my dreams. There was a point in my mother's life when she said any and everything without thinking about it who it might hurt, I was appalled, but I can understand a little better now. .........yes she had dementia, but there was a part of her that also knew in the crevices of her heart, she had no time to suffer fools. Tonight I had a bowl of icy watermelon, I ate it slow, and savored every bite, yes there are dishes to wash, and laundry to be done, and class notes to be done for work tomorrow, I'll ration time for those later.

1 comment:

  1. well said! I can relate..i really enjoy your words of wisdom!