Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Fall's Promise

Some days there are gifts, small subtle ones, yet beautiful gifts.  Yesterday when I walked the dogs I looked down in the ferns that line the road to the barn, there was my gift.  The  most beautifully colored leaf promising that fall would come was nestled in the ferns.  I brought it home and placed it in one of my ferns out front and yes the colors have already faded but the promise has not.

I am still tying up the loose strings and some days those strings are such a tangled mess.  I remember to breathe,  I shed a few tears or maybe a lot and start the process of detangling.  This path is one that I could never imagine, yet I walk it daily.  I see Rick everywhere on this small farm and in our home.
I keep waiting for him to come through the door, yet I know in my heart he won't.

Rain is falling and the sound is so sweet on the tin roof.  I sat out on the screened porch and breathed the wonderful scent of rain on dry dirt.  In between the drops I made sure the hens had some corn to help them make it through the night.

It is so nice to know that no matter where all of you are tonight, you might be reading my words.  I know you miss Rick's words and pictures, so so I.  Tomorrow is mid-week, hump day.  Be kind, be grateful and treat those around you the way you would want to be treated.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Fern Garden

Thanks for your advice, I did it today and hopefully it works, fingers crossed.
The heat has been relentless here this week.  I get up around five each morning and try to accomplish everything that needs to be done outside by 9:00 am  or 10:00am.  Then I come in and do what needs to be done on my list.

The photo today is our last outdoor project together.  It is not finished, but it's getting there.
Our front yard was so shady and so full of tree roots that I had decided we would just go into the woods and start digging up ferns and planting them.  Some are planted in the ground, others we planted in containers.  Rick loved the idea and it really is looking very magical.   We have rain moving in by the middle of this coming week, if that happens then the dogs and I will go to the woods and dig more ferns to plant.  I can't begin to tell you all how much I miss him.

I've gotten the fall crop of tomatoes planted and this week I will start arugula seeds for containers.
Then there will be greens to get started, collards and kale and mustard.  I miss the bees but I know they are being cared for by people who know how to care for them. I still walk down to the area where we kept the hives hoping to see a rogue bee who stayed behind.

Jordan and my brother Ricky came over yesterday and we cleaned the chicken pen, putting fresh hay in the laying boxes and fresh cedar shavings in the roosting area.  Nothing brings you face to face with reality like shoveling chicken poop.  :)

I hope you all have had a weekend full of peace and kindness and good health.  I'm resting tomorrow and might try to do a bit of painting.  I haven't picked the guitar up yet, way too soon.

Friday, August 7, 2020

Help Me

A few weeks before Rick passed, I started getting random lewd sexual comments on past blog entries.  He thought he had stopped it, but they have continued and are becoming more frequent.
Can any of you help me, tell me what to do or who to contact.
Thanks for any input or advice you can offer.  Rick was the technical wiz,  all I know how to do is write this blog. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Routine

I am working out simple morning routines.  Feed the chickens, walk the dogs, feed the birds, do the chores around the house and then spend hours on the phone.

There are so many loose ends to tie, and with every call there is the same story to be told over and over.
And no matter how hard I try, somewhere in the middle of telling that story to a faceless voice, I cry.

After about three hours on the phone,  I go outside.
I walk around the yard, pet the dogs and cry a bit more.  By then I eat a bit of lunch and spend the afternoon reading or writing in my journal.  Then it's time to feed and water the chicks, gather the eggs and let the dogs run again.

I'm getting there, where ever there is.  I do feel stronger and my mantra has become " I can do this."
Though most of the time I am not sure what "I can do this" means.

I am still getting so many cards and calls.  I am sure Rick never imagined how much he was loved.  I hope somehow now, he knows.

Sunday, August 2, 2020

Peace

It has been a day of beauty.  Every time I looked out back or stepped out on the deck, there were butterflies all over the butterfly bush.  I always pick fresh flowers on Sunday mornings for the house and there were butterflies all around me...I felt wrapped in love and beauty.

There is a peace that has been with me today.  Maybe it is all the love and energy and prayers from those who loved Rick, maybe Rick himself has had a hand in it, but I have felt peace today.

I called a dear friend this afternoon.  She did not know about Rick.  She lives out of town and she is a fellow songwriter.  We cried tears and promised as soon as it is safe we will get together.

A friend from California sent me wonderful words of comfort today.

On the Sunday before a full moon, Rick and I always did a gratitude ceremony.  I continued that tradition this evening.  Even with a broken heart there is much to be grateful for, and I can't let myself forget that.  I gave thanks for my many blessings.

I hope that for all of you there has been peace in your lives today.   I hope this coming week is full of kindness, good health and peace for us all.   Let me introduce you to one of my visitors today.  Isn't she a beauty!

Friday, July 31, 2020

Season

It's been a day. This morning was spent dealing with more and more paper work and phone calls.
This afternoon we had a rough storm, torrential rain and gusty winds.  The power went off.
I reported the outage and waited.   My brother's wife, Deb came over to check on me.  As I walked her out the door, we both looked up and saw a tree limb dangling on my power lines.
At that moment an Alabama Power truck came by and Deb flagged him down.  He saw the immediate issue and then realized that other limbs were on the line as well.
He spent over an hour, cutting and removing limbs off my power lines.  When the power was restored I made sure I gave him a shout out on social media.

Between the phone calls, and the storm and the outage I have definitely cried a few tears.  This evening I cooked my first meal since the day Rick died.  Samantha has had grueling days this week on her new job with home health care and spending her off day helping me.  I made one of her and Rick's favorite meals of roast chicken and vegetables.  I truly love cooking and being back in the kitchen today was soothing and healing.

This healing/grief process is so complicated.  There are moments that I think I am stronger and things are getting better and then the flood gates open and there is a monsoon of tears falling down my cheeks and I realize I am still a basket case.  There are still so many friends that I want to talk with, but a conversation takes an incredible amount of energy. 

After the storm I walked around the property picking up small limbs and with each one telling Rick how much I miss him.  I am grateful for all who read this blog, maybe at some point in your life my words will help some of you.  But, what I am going through these days....I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I find myself singing that old song from the 60's Turn, Turn, Turn.  You know the one that the words are from the Bible, for everything there is a season.  This is quite a season.

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Today

I have always made lists and used a day planner.  I am grateful for that, especially now.  It is overwhelming all that needs to be done.  Each morning I am trying to only put 3 or 4 things on the list and get those done by the end of the day.  It would probably help if I didn't cry so much.

At first I didn't think I could write this blog anymore, but I think it is helping the grief and the healing.  I wish I were more computer literate, Rick loved technology and I admit I have tried to avoid  it for the most part. 

I talked with his bee mentor, he is coming for the bees tomorrow evening.  I love them and I will miss them so much, but Rick was just teaching me and I know I cannot
care for them the way he did.  His bee mentor's name is Ricky so I think it is fitting that they go to live with him.  He will love them and care for them and he has promised to bring me the honey from Rick's hives when he harvests.

Hook and Taz seem more settled today.  Kodak misses him, but he's only been with us less than a year.  Hook and Taz are old family members.  I am grateful for these dogs, I talk to them, hug them and feel their connection to Rick.

I called this blog Transformation Information because I wanted it to be a link to students that I had through the years as well as blog friends.  With Rick's death, writing these words are helping me through the biggest transformation I have ever gone through.  Maybe in some way, my transformation will help some of you.

Thank you for your love and kindness, your prayers and energies, thank you for being there.  I wanted to add the photo of the zinnias, to let you know I still see the beauty around me.