Sunday, July 23, 2017

I Love You More

When I left my friend Louis yesterday my heart ached, I knew he was beginning his  transition.
This morning his friend James sent Rick a text, Louis had died.  I felt it in my heart when I awoke today, I knew that yesterday was the last time I would see him in this life.

It is hard to explain grief because it is different with each loss.  In many ways our friendship with Louis was so different than with other friends.  We met just a few short years ago under tough circumstances, both undergoing treatments in an infusion room.  He had beat cancer several times in his life.  He was a survivor in every sense of the word.

When we met, it was as though we had known each other our entire lives.  We bonded sitting in those big green chairs while chemicals filled our veins.  There was a camaraderie in that room.  Several of us sat and became friends, encouraging each other, praying for each other and grieving as our friends passed.

Louis and I were the last of the group.  We spoke to each other almost daily.  He and his nephew Steve and friend Bert came to our house, shared meals with us and our families.  This past Thanksgiving as Louis and Bert left the house that evening I had a sinking feeling it might be the last holiday we spent together.  Louis was getting frail.

Christmas came, we celebrated with a conversation on the phone.  After the first of the year, hospital visits became a common occurrence for Louis.  We would drop by the hospital,  talk on the phone, we both knew in our hearts time was short.  A few weeks ago, he was moved to a hospice care center.
We would visit and hope for the best.  Some days he was unresponsive, others  weak, yet so happy to see us.

A couple of weeks ago, we dropped by and he was sitting up in the bed.  Eating a meal, laughing, visiting with family and friends, it was a day I will never forget.  As we got ready to leave, he told me he was going home next week.  His nephew Steve walked us to the door and out into the hall, Steve, Rick and I knew that by some grace we had been given a gift.

The the past two visits it was obvious that day had been a gift.  Louis was losing weight, becoming so weak and then yesterday, I knew what was next.  No matter how much you prepare yourself for someone's death, there is no preparation.  That loss hits hard and heavy.  Loss is loss, losing those you love is a transformation that is the most difficult.  I hear his voice in my head, I miss his hugs, his calls, his laughter and his kindness.  We ended each call and visit with me saying I love you, and then he would always say, "I love you more."

The picture tonight is one at his house.  He was a great cook.  He loved having friends over for lunch and dinner.  Tonight, I would love to have one more meal together, to hear him say one more time, "I Love You More."


  1. I'm so sorry, Jilda. I know Louis has a special spot in your heart. Hold those memories close and he'll always be near.

  2. I can offer little more than condolences. It is sad to lose a loved one.

  3. Wonderful tribute to a very special man who became a part of your family and all of your heart. I'm sure he's smiling down on you and sending his love. Hugs to you and Rick at the loss of your dear friend.

  4. So very very sorry for your loss. You may not be able to hear him but I have no doubt he is telling you, "I love you more".

  5. Dear Jilda, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dearest friend Louis. You are right, nothing can prepare you for the loss of dear friend like that.
    I hope that his love and wisdom will be with you for a very long time.

    I'm sorry I haven't been around your blog lately. I had difficulties with my email and Google account and I was just too busy and tired to figure it all out until my daughter finally got it straighten out.I wasn't getting my emails and bloglovin notifications and i hope that it's finally fix.

    It's funny about Louis telling you But I love you mere because it;'s exactly what my 4 years old great grandkid Cypress tells me every time I tells him I Love You, he says but I Love You More.

    Warm hugs, Julia