Monday, October 26, 2020

I Am Still Here/Peace

 Last week was one of the toughest.  I went to the cemetery for the first time since Rick's burial.

I went to choose our grave marker.  It's just a flat slab of grey granite with our names, dates of birth and his date of death and also his military service.  I did ok at the office, there were a few tears but I maintained.  On the way out, I visited the grave and even then I maintained.

But then a couple of days later, monsoonal rains came.  I can't complain about the rain, it was needed and appreciated.  But in the midst of all the tears falling from the sky, grief  slammed its best shot my way.

I lay on the couch, under a down comforter surrounded by the three dogs and the sobs began.  The sobs turned into some sort of guttural groans, I went into the fetal position and all three dogs tried to lick the tears from my face.  I cried for everything lost.

I am not writing this for sympathy but hoping to help anyone out there who is grieving, you are not alone.

Maybe you are like me, and you are physically alone and trying your best to make it through a pandemic and the loss of someone you love.  Maybe you have lost your job, your way of life, your health, your home, family.  Whatever your loss is, it's ok to grieve and remind yourself there is no time line.

What helps me?  Time outdoors.  Even in those monsoonal rains, I suited up in my rain gear and walked. At one point, I took off my raincoat and just let the rain wash over me.  Nature has been my soothing balm, my stress relief, my comfort.  Nature has heard my questions, seen my tears, anger, sadness, heard my laughter, and answered my silence.  Hearing birds sing, seeing the sky whether it's blue or grey, feeling the sun on my face reminds me I am still here, for whatever reason, I am still here.  The leaves are changing, there are still flowers blooming and I am still here.  At  night, I see the stars, the moon and they remind me as well, I am still here.

Now, I am trying to figure out why I am still here, what purpose do I serve.  I know there are answers and they will come in time.  Maybe for now, I am still here just to remind kind, be kind, be kind.

Occasionally Rick made garden stones.  He had made one for the fern garden out front, one for the bird feeder area and his last was for my heirloom garden.  The photo shows his last.  I like to think it was his last  message.


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