Peace

It has been a day of beauty.  Every time I looked out back or stepped out on the deck, there were butterflies all over the butterfly bush.  I always pick fresh flowers on Sunday mornings for the house and there were butterflies all around me...I felt wrapped in love and beauty.

There is a peace that has been with me today.  Maybe it is all the love and energy and prayers from those who loved Rick, maybe Rick himself has had a hand in it, but I have felt peace today.

I called a dear friend this afternoon.  She did not know about Rick.  She lives out of town and she is a fellow songwriter.  We cried tears and promised as soon as it is safe we will get together.

A friend from California sent me wonderful words of comfort today.

On the Sunday before a full moon, Rick and I always did a gratitude ceremony.  I continued that tradition this evening.  Even with a broken heart there is much to be grateful for, and I can't let myself forget that.  I gave thanks for my many blessings.

I hope that for all of you there has been peace in your lives today.   I hope this coming week is full of kindness, good health and peace for us all.   Let me introduce you to one of my visitors today.  Isn't she a beauty!

Season

It's been a day. This morning was spent dealing with more and more paper work and phone calls.
This afternoon we had a rough storm, torrential rain and gusty winds.  The power went off.
I reported the outage and waited.   My brother's wife, Deb came over to check on me.  As I walked her out the door, we both looked up and saw a tree limb dangling on my power lines.
At that moment an Alabama Power truck came by and Deb flagged him down.  He saw the immediate issue and then realized that other limbs were on the line as well.
He spent over an hour, cutting and removing limbs off my power lines.  When the power was restored I made sure I gave him a shout out on social media.

Between the phone calls, and the storm and the outage I have definitely cried a few tears.  This evening I cooked my first meal since the day Rick died.  Samantha has had grueling days this week on her new job with home health care and spending her off day helping me.  I made one of her and Rick's favorite meals of roast chicken and vegetables.  I truly love cooking and being back in the kitchen today was soothing and healing.

This healing/grief process is so complicated.  There are moments that I think I am stronger and things are getting better and then the flood gates open and there is a monsoon of tears falling down my cheeks and I realize I am still a basket case.  There are still so many friends that I want to talk with, but a conversation takes an incredible amount of energy. 

After the storm I walked around the property picking up small limbs and with each one telling Rick how much I miss him.  I am grateful for all who read this blog, maybe at some point in your life my words will help some of you.  But, what I am going through these days....I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I find myself singing that old song from the 60's Turn, Turn, Turn.  You know the one that the words are from the Bible, for everything there is a season.  This is quite a season.

Today

I have always made lists and used a day planner.  I am grateful for that, especially now.  It is overwhelming all that needs to be done.  Each morning I am trying to only put 3 or 4 things on the list and get those done by the end of the day.  It would probably help if I didn't cry so much.

At first I didn't think I could write this blog anymore, but I think it is helping the grief and the healing.  I wish I were more computer literate, Rick loved technology and I admit I have tried to avoid  it for the most part. 

I talked with his bee mentor, he is coming for the bees tomorrow evening.  I love them and I will miss them so much, but Rick was just teaching me and I know I cannot

care for them the way he did.  His bee mentor's name is Ricky so I think it is fitting that they go to live with him.  He will love them and care for them and he has promised to bring me the honey from Rick's hives when he harvests.

Hook and Taz seem more settled today.  Kodak misses him, but he's only been with us less than a year.  Hook and Taz are old family members.  I am grateful for these dogs, I talk to them, hug them and feel their connection to Rick.

I called this blog Transformation Information because I wanted it to be a link to students that I had through the years as well as blog friends.  With Rick's death, writing these words are helping me through the biggest transformation I have ever gone through.  Maybe in some way, my transformation will help some of you.

Thank you for your love and kindness, your prayers and energies, thank you for being there.  I wanted to add the photo of the zinnias, to let you know I still see the beauty around me.

Limbo

We are living in the land of limbo here on the farm.   The chickens have stopped laying.  Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the fact that a few weeks ago Rick had asked one of his friends to adopt our rooster because he had become aggressive  with the kids and he came by Saturday and took him to a new hen house.  But the hens are still very loving and attentive so maybe it's just the heat.

Have you ever seen a dog cry?  I had not, not until yesterday.  Hook goes to the window a dozen times during the day watching for Rick to get out of his truck.  Yesterday I sat down beside him and when he looked at me, a tear rolled down his cheek.  The broken pieces of my heart broke into more pieces.

I am in the throes of the paper trail now.  Calling and changing things like bills to my name, trying to make decisions and hoping that I am doing what Rick would do.  I keep watching for him, to walk through the field from the barn or the honey house.  I keep waiting to hear his voice or hear his laugh.
Nothing.

Jordan spent the morning with me.  He's finally eating and speaking to me, but won't talk about Rick.
There is not a manual for this stuff, not really.  This is fly by the seat of your pants and hope you don't mess up stuff.  Walking through darkness, catching glimpses of light that is how my days have been.
This grief is so different from that of losing my parents and brother.  I have lost a part of me.

Take care of yourselves, be kind, wear masks, be safe, be well.

You Don't

Tonight I made myself a cup of hot tea.  The first I have had since Rick passed.  It was such a simple ritual, one we did nightly, drinking a cup of hot herbal tea before bed.  His favorite was honey lavender and I would sometimes have red zinger, or rose or maybe peppermint.   
Tonight it seemed that hot cup of tea was calling my name, wanting my hands to embrace the mug and let it's warmth soothe my soul.

My life changed on July 16 and every day the ways it has changed add up.  To say I miss him, that only skims the surface.  I am rather lost right now.  Covid 19 changed normal for most of us, but this has erased my normal forever.  These days I am trying to create some ritual of living that makes sense to my broken heart.

I know all you blog followers loved him.  You loved his pictures, his words, his human kindness.
He loved you all as well.  He would spend hours sometimes just reading and catching up on your blogs.   I confess, I have not been that diligent and I will do better, just give me time.

Take care of yourselves, be kind to each other.  No matter how many years you live, life is short.
One of my favorite quotes I have used on my board at work for years, " you think you have time, but you don't."  I have found out the truth of those words.

Stay well, wear your masks,  and above all be kind.  I will write again soon.

Living the Dream

If anyone had told me that last Wednesday would have been my last day on this planet with Rick I would have laughed, and asked what the punch line was.
It has been a week, a second, a decade, a lifetime.  It has been hell, tears, pain.  It has been laughter and love and memories.
He had not felt well for some time.  And we would talk about his needing to see a doc, but he was so worried about me catching Covid 19, we kept putting it off.  The weekend before the heat and humidity was brutal and as always our to do list here on the farm was a long one.  On Saturday I think he might have suffered heat exhaustion or maybe heat stroke.  That night was a long one and on Sunday he still felt bad.  We used ice packs and lots of fluids.  On Monday he went to see our local urgent care doc.
He had a bad prostate infection, dehydration, but no evidence of virus showed up in the blood test.
We called our family doctor on Tuesday and made an appointment for Thursday to come in for tests and blood work.
On Wednesday he was better, we walked to the barn, checked on the bees and chickens, but we cut our walk short, the heat was getting to him.  We came home, he rested and I cooked lunch.
Lunch was one of his favorites, fresh corn, fried greed tomatoes and purple hull peas, and he ate better than he had in a few days.
That afternoon I cut his hair,  ( because our family doc has a beautiful NP and he didn't want her to think he was a shaggy old man) :)    He showered,  our nephew Haven called, and our friend Wes called.  By dinner he was not feeling as well and after a few bites  he wanted to study for  his upcoming Bee Masters exam.
We went to bed and he fell asleep.  Around midnight, he woke me up saying he couldn't breathe.
We got up and went to the couch.  Things got worse and I called 911, I began CPR.  The local first responders came and they took over, then the ambulance crew came and they took over.  After 40 minutes or so, he was carried to our hospital in Jasper and the doctor told me what I knew the moment I started CPR, he was no longer with us.
I am living in a cloud of shock.  Right now I am functioning on auto-pilot.
I have lost someone who has been in my life since I was 15 years old.  It has been a magical life, full of love, good times, music, travel, incredible friendships.  I have lived the dream with him.
If anyone ever asked how he was, his response was always the same "living the dream."
It was the truth.  We lived the dream.

Today

The heat and humidity has been almost unbearable today.  This evening something the weather guys called an upfront came through and the temp dropped about 10 degrees.  South of us there is rain and the low that caused the rain in the south created a cooling wind for us.  Wow.  I know I am such a geek sometimes.

Rick is still not feeling well so we will do another call with our primary doc in the morning and hopefully get him better.

Neither of us have had much sleep the past couple of nights, fingers crossed tonight we sleep.
Be  kind, be well, be safe.