Inward

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, or what you do life beats you up.......I'm sure there are lessons that are to be learned, but often they are not apparent.  So, what do you do? It is easy to become angry, to feel hurt and to wish like hell you were someplace else........but you're stuck in the thick of it with no way 

out....or so it seems.    It's those times, when you really do have to go inward.....to pull from your inner strength, to breathe, and remind yourself that this too shall pass.

Going inward can be easy.........you can shut down, shut up, and close your eyes........going inward can be difficult......you can search for answers, pray for guidance, and hope for wisdom.  There is a certain amount of wisdom in knowing which inward path to take.......and there are some days when flipping a coin makes as much sense as anything.

I think sometimes we search too hard for the answers.......and by doing so, make our lives that much harder.  Most of the time, they are right in front of us, or within........usually the answers we seek are so simple, that we think this can't be right, it is too easy.  Why do we think everything good or successful has to be complicated?  

Some of us spend too much time going inward, and miss the lessons and answers that are  right in front of our noses.........that is when our lives become  exhausting.   The balance and contentment come

when we learn when to go inward and when to just let it all go.  It's that thing about learning to pick your battles.  And then there are those times, when there is no fight left within you.........once again,

knowing when to let it all go.

Going inward can be rewarding, uplifting and enlightening........staying inward......can be depressing,

defeating and destructive..........know when to let it all go.

Cold and Rainy

Cold and rainy tonight, I hear the rain on the tin roof..........that roof is one of the best things about our house now.  Nothing like the sound of raindrops on tin.  I spent most of the afternoon doing errands.....and silly me didn't realize rain would be here so soon.  I got drenched!  Had a jacket, but no umbrella or hat......I am still cold.

One of my very first childhood memories is of rain.  We had moved into a house that had a porch across the front,  a new sink had been delivered.  The new sink sat on the porch waiting for my dad to come home to install it.  My kid brother, Ricky who was about one year old and I, opened the doors (the sink was in a cabinet of sorts) and hid from my mom.  It was pouring rain......and that porch was the perfect playground

for rainy days.  There is a picture of Ricky taken sometime later on his trike, on that porch.  It is one of my favorite photos of him.

I love the rain.  It doesn't depress me or make me sad,  I find it soothing and calming.  When we were in Ireland  everyone was concerned about the rain, but I loved it......nothing like standing on the rocky shore with the rain  coming down.  Then going down to a local pub, and smelling peat burning in the fireplace.

Blackie Bear is snoring, he finds the rain soothing too.  As a matter of fact, he, Astro and Buddy are all in the office with me snoring like crazy as the rain falls.  YAWN.........I am getting sleepy too.

Good night, Sweet dreams.

Made with Love

Tomorrow would have been my mom's birthday......it has been six years since her passing.  I drive by her house, everything still looks the same.  I wonder if the family who lives there now has any inkling of the memories that are stored in that house, good and bad.  My mom and dad both died there.  But there were incredible meals,  and loud, laughing get togethers there.  Grandchildren climbed those trees, picked the flowers and and sat in her swing,  Someone was always stopping by for a visit,  and a piece of cake or pie.

Christmas and Thanksgiving celebrations in that little blue house  will be remembered for many years to come.  Momma was most always in the kitchen,  or coming up the steps from the basement.  Her laundry room was downstairs,  but so was her beloved quilting frames.  All the kids and grand kids cherish those quilts she made.

She and I  did our Christmas shopping together,  I did her tree, her Christmas cards.  Since she passed, I have done most of my shopping on line, going shopping is just not the same.  I would wrap all her gifts and then come home and wrap mine.  Birthdays were never much of a big deal with her, but Thanksgiving and Christmas were......and it was all about the food.  Christmas presents at our house
were secondary, food was the major focus.  She planned for weeks what she would cook, we would go grocery shopping for days, all over the county  getting everything that would make the perfect meal.

For momma,  people coming to her house, sharing a meal......that was life.   Rick tells everyone that I got my mom's gift for cooking.  I do love to cook for our friends and family, not only did my mom teach me her recipes, but she taught me the most important ingredient in a meal......love.  Her theory, if you didn't cook with love, no matter how great the recipe or how good the ingredients.......for the meal to be great,
it had to be cooked with love.

Tomorrow, since I can't wish her a Happy Birthday......I'll cook a great meal, made with love.......and think of momma.  Happy Birthday Momma.

Wasted Heart

I watched one of my favorite Christmas movies tonight......Love Actually.  There is a line in the movie where one of the characters talks of his "wasted heart".   That phrase, "wasted heart" brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.  The character is speaking about wasting his love on someone who loves his best friend......but there are a lot of wasted hearts out there.  Hearts that are wasted on loving the wrong
person, the wrong things, the wrong places.  Hearts that have been given to those who were unappreciative, who were cruel and unloving.

Hearts have been wasted on following dreams that were never fulfilled,  hearts that followed paths that led to nowhere.  Hearts that were given and then tossed aside because they were old, or fat or not pretty enough, or just thought to be boring.  Hearts that were used up, by people, and causes, by beliefs, and ideologies, wasted hearts, shells that once beat proudly for the good of all.

Wasted heart, given along with a wasted soul for a cause that was unworthy.  Wasted heart......and time and energy,  the heart you can salvage......the time and energy are gone for ever.
A wasted heart, may become hardened, cynical,  and cold.  Walls build around a wasted heart, and as the years go by, they become thicker and stronger,  insulating the heart until it starves ......and then it is wasted forever.

Many of us have probably wasted our hearts at some point in our lives, and hopefully, we pressed on,
wiser, stronger, more careful........but what about those whose wasted hearts barely beat, so used,
they are mere shells  that once housed vibrant living energy.  It shows in the eyes, the look of defeat, accepting and acknowledging, they have wasted the center of their being.  It's not too late, a wasted heart needs tender love and care.......human kindness and touch......the understanding that hearts mend, lives can be regained, and spirits heal.......and that love actually really is all around us.
 

My Other Gig

A really long day......I have worked as a make-up artist for a friend who does motivational speaking today.   She had two shows, one at 2:00pm one at 7:00pm, plus meet and greets in between.
Back at the hotel, pizza and a glass of wine......my feet are screaming!  But, it has had its high points.....mainly Larnelle Harris.  If you have never heard him sing, go to I-tunes now and buy his Christmas cd.....truly one of the most incredible voices ever.

Didn't know I was a make-up artist?  Oh yeah, been one for years......I just don't practice on myself much.
Ha,ha!   Working this gig is like performing, time ceases to exist.......day fades into night, and before you know it......another day.  But, for some strange reason, this agrees with me.......I enjoy it.

Twelve hours days are tough, and I think it is time to sleep, tomorrow home, and practice for our gig coming up this week......oh yeah, did I mention that Rick and I are the Grand Marshalls for my hometown
Christmas Parade on Thursday night?  I am practicing on my wave!  Then Saturday night, we play Berkeley Bob's one of my most favorite places to play.

This nice hotel bed is calling my name......
Good night, Sweet dreams

A Little Drained

Somehow, my friends always know when I need them.  A couple of them called, a couple sent wonderful e-mails,  but it was a day when I needed the connection.  Not a bad day, but just a day when I needed to hear voices, get notes, and know that I was not forgotten.

Physically I feel better than I have felt in months, but emotionally a little drained.   The night sky was so breath taking as I drove home from work tonight.  The moon is not quite half full, the stars were beaming,

and the air is cold and crisp.   Driving home, everything seemed so clear against the sun set.......the bare trees, the colors blending from yellow and orange to deepest blue.

Forgive me for the short post,  I am very tired tonight, ready for a hot bath and cup of tea.

Good night, Sweet dreams.

Spend Time Wisely

I have been beaten myself up tonight......sometimes I waste my most valuable commodity, my time.
Why?  because sometimes I don't know how to say no.   I know that I am not by myself, that there are many others who do the same thing......and then much like me, you beat yourself up.   Time goes so quickly, I mean it is December 1st today!!!!   In the past few months, I had really done much better about giving away my time, and then hello........I did it up big time!

Just say no......well it didn't work with teenagers and sex, it doesn't work with drugs and alcohol, so how could I expect it to work with my time?   Changes have to take place, for one thing.....I have to begin to recognize my value,  I have to truly believe that my time, my energy, my creativity is important.......just as important as anyone else's.

So tonight, I am working on letting go, being kinder to myself when I screw up, and once again reminding myself the value of my time.......the most valuable commodity I have.  As always, it is my acting out of kindness, and not thinking, that propelled me to say yes, not no.  But, I do admit, I am getting better, managing the spending of my time smarter and  more frugal.  

There are twelve step programs for almost everything these days, there should be one for those who can't say no........Hello, my name is....and I can't say no.   Sorry, that statement could truly be misconstrued in several different ways!  Ha,Ha!

So, once again, I will put on my big girl panties.......do what I said yes to,  and remind myself daily that my time is valuable, to spend it wisely.
Goodnight, Sweet dreams