PTSD...it's personal

 PTSD...it's personal

PTSD, I heard story after story and I was empathetic...first responders, combat, ER... they all live with that horrific memory of seeing someone die, often in their arms without being able to save them.  The grief and the guilt haunt them.  I did my best with those who told me their stories, I listened,  and often I cried with them and I offered them the best wisdom I could with all the love I had in my heart.

Then it happened to me...  awakened in the middle of the night with a man I had shared most of my life with...seemingly endless moments of me doing CPR, trying to save him...and I couldn't.

The night terrors started, I would awaken at  night and my bedsheets would be torn in shreds, sweat would drip off my body and the sounds I was making came from a place so dark  it had to be the depths of hell.

Scenes of that night play in my brain like a horror movie, and the guilt...oh god the guilt...what could I have done differently, what if I had done this or that .  Why wasn't it me, why was it him?  My life could not have been more important than his.

That was the first couple of years and there's way more than that, but not going there . 

As the third year came around, and I had done all the work on myself I knew to do...I decided to teach yoga again.  It had been a part of my life longer than he had been, it had been a part of civilization for thousands of years and I knew... yoga heals.

 Teaching one class a week and beginning to think I am ready to do more.  I prayed for my creativity to come back, prayers to the universe, to the dead, to anyone who would listen...it has slowly.  It's been months since I had a night terror, I am grateful.

Yesterday there were moments...a friend texted me they were sick...and suddenly out of the blue, I was haunted again.  This morning I am good, today I will take it hour by hour,  one breath at a time.

So I have shared this to tell you, if someone in your life or or if you have  PTSD, get help ,talk to a kind loving therapist...you are not alone.

August 1, Grief, Peace and Joy

 It's been awhile, please accept my apologies for my disappearance in the blog kingdom.  Spring and summer hit the farm with a vengeance.  It hasn't been the crops, I basically have experienced crop failure due to the weather extremes.  The weather, the rain and the heat has caused a profusion of plant  growth  that has become a battle of me against mother nature and we all know there's no beating mom.

I have worked on my transformation , actually worked very hard
the past few months,letting go  of the anger of loss.  I realized that I could live with the grief but the anger was destroying me and my creativity.  For the first time in three years I feel life coursing through my veins again.  I can see myself as Jilda, no longer Rick and Jilda but a whole entity of Jilda.  This might sound strange to many of you, but those of you who know and have dealt with the loss of part of you will understand.

Finally my heart is open to living .  I am smiling, I can laugh and I see possibilities and I have come to realize that grief and peace and joy can live in the same heart.

The desire to create again is what I am most grateful for.  To understand that it's ok for me to pursue my dreams has broken the chains that had wrapped themselves around my soul. 

I  started this blog long ago to provide transformation information to those who sought and needed it.  I have always been honest with my words knowing that words have power and I would never knowingly abuse that power.  I hope through the years, my words have helped someone.

I won't be writing every day, but I promise I will do my best not to disappear again.  For now, life on the farm goes on, I am teaching a weekly yoga class, I am writing new songs, working on new paintings and smiling every day, laughing and... last night I danced in the moonlight in the backyard with the dogs.

Sending you all wishes for hope, love and joy...can you believe today is the first day of August?