Suspended

Since Rick passed, most days I feel a bit like this leaf....hanging by a thread, suspended in time.
I saw this when I walked the dogs yesterday and I thought yep, " me and that leaf, right now we have a lot in common."

Be kind this week, live by the Golden Rule, treat others the way you wish to be treated.  Simple yet powerful way to live.  Ya'll be kind.

Another Gift

Another beautiful visitor today, she was as big as my hand and actually flew in small circles around my head.  What a gift!  I could literally feel her energy as she flew around me.

Sending kindness to you all tonight and that is my prayer for my country, for the world...that every human remembers what kindness is and that we began to practice it daily.  Is it that hard to be kind? Kindness doesn't cost anything and being kind to each other can change us and the world around us. Or we can choose to live miserable lives filled with fear and hate and spend the rest of our lives wondering why nothing good happens to us.

When I was in high school, a friend gave me a life changing book called "As a Man Thinketh" by  James Allen.  A small powerful book, only 52 pages but it made a lasting impression on a seventeen year old girl.  I have used his quotes often, one of my favorite "nothing can come from corn but corn, nothing from nettles, but nettles."  We do reap what we sow and we do become what we think. We can change ourselves by changing our thoughts, how we see the world and those around us or we can continue to think fear and hate and that is what we will reap. 

Grief and Signs

I try  not to write so much about my grief here on the blog, but I realized at some point in our lives we all grieve.  What I have come to understand about my personal grief is this, you can think you are handling things pretty well, but then a grief tsunami washes over you and you realize you are a real amateur when it comes to grieving .

This morning my tsunami hit.  In all  my years of loss, of parents, of a brother, of friends, of grandparents and beloved aunts and uncles and pets, jobs you name loss I thought I had grieved.
Even with Rick I kept having all these what I called meltdowns but the biggie hit today.
It started with a text I sent to a friend this morning.  For those who really know me, you know that music has played a major part in my life since I was a child.  Music has always brought me incredible joy, gotten me through sad times, bad times and good times.  But since Rick has died, I can't pick up the guitar, can't sing and the worst of it all I can't listen to music and I have tried.  I can listen to snippets but to listen to a whole song of any genre ( country, blues ( my favorite), folk, rock, new age, classical) I can't do it.  I sent my friend who is a singer/songwriter and lover of music the text.
About two hours later I was drowning, lying face down on the sofa, sobbing uncontrollably, pleading with Rick to come back and wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up.

Since Rick's death I had cried, I  have had many moments of anger, this morning was the deepest sadness I have ever experienced in my life.  I could taste loss, feel it, smell it.   As I lay there, Kodak came over to the couch and began to lick my face.  I had a profound understanding of the workings of the universe at that point.  In November when Kodak the puppy wondered up in our yard, we did every thing possible to find his family but no luck.  I kept telling Rick we just couldn't keep him, he was too active, too lively, a chewer.  Calliou didn't like him, Hook tolerated him and Taz was planning his demise. But Rick, he loved that wacky pup so of course we kept him.  Did I mention he chewed up over $500 in shoes, countless towels, napkins and anything else he could get his teeth into.

Today as I drowned in my grief and he licked my face and would not leave my side I understood why we kept him, why he's here.

Tropical rains moved in early, so it was bit later before I could walk the dogs.  After my episode on the sofa the rains moved out for a while and the dogs and I headed out.  As I took my daily path down the side of the yard to the barn, I saw something white  on my largest gardenia bush.  Now our blooms and buds have been gone for months, but there in the middle of all those lush green leaves was a pure white fragrant blossom.  Gardenias, I can't get enough of them, when they bloom I fill the house with vases of them.  Rick knew those were flowers that were dear to my heart.  It was as though after all the grief, there was hope and love in that single blossom.  I believe in signs, do you?

Unique Sunset

Usually our sunsets are vivid, lots of reds, golds, oranges that bleed to purple and blue and then pinks and soft yellows.  This evening the light was pure gold.  Maybe it is the activity in the gulf, the changing of the season, who knows.  But instead of the light deepening and becoming more vivid in color, this evening  it is golden and crisp, bathing everything around the farm  in a light I haven't seen in years.

It was exciting to look out the windows and see light more like a sunrise than a sunset.  Everything looked more alive bathed in the brightness.

Several things accomplished on my list today and tomorrow Jordan is coming to spend some time with me.  There are a couple of chores I need help with and he is happy to help.

I hope this week brings you great joy and that every day someone touches your life with kindness.

Hello

Jordan and his Nana came over for a visit this evening.  The deck is nice and shady around 5:30 or so.
In the flowers,  ( the bee garden) there were butterflies, dragon flies, humming birds and little yellow finches, all in a beautiful dance.  Suddenly this beautiful butterfly came over where Jordan and I were sitting.  It danced around Jordan, the butterfly bushes and me.  I kept asking him to let me take a picture and then in the blink of an eye, he posed for me.  He stayed on that bush as long as were out there and when Jordan and Nana went home and I walked in the house he came up to the back door.
Hello Rick!

Firsts

Today was a day of small firsts, I did yoga this morning for the first time since Rick died.  Today was the first day I did not have a total melt down since he died.  And when the rains moved in this evening, I giggled out loud for the first time since he died.  I am grateful for those firsts.

Those firsts are reassuring and to sit here and type these words while the rain is pouring feels healing.

Those ties that I keep having to tie are starting to come together as well and there are not so many of them now.  Still some biggies to deal with, but my strength is coming back and I can take deep breaths again.  I still feel beaten and raw, but I make myself find something every morning to be grateful for and every night as well.

I looked up at the sky yesterday as I was having a melt down and saw those beautiful puffs against that vivid blue.  Seeing beauty, being outdoors has been my salvation these days.

I hope you all are well.  Don't forget to be kind and I wish you peace.

Summer Blues

One month ago today, my life changed in a way that I would never ever wish for myself or anyone else.  Somedays it feels like it has been forever and then there are those moments when it seems to have all just happened.
As much as I have hated tying those lose ends I realize that in many ways that tying has been  a way to step aside from the pain and emptiness.  In a few weeks everything will be tied and those lists I make every morning ...well, we shall see.

His fans, people who loved his writings keep calling and sending me cards and letters.  He was so loved, his writing connected with so many.  I don't know what to say to them, except I am sorry, thank you for loving his writings.
There are moments that I hear that catch in their voice,  and  I wish it had been me instead of him that left this life.  He meant so much to so many and here I am trying to pick up the pieces and console others.  This is a strange legacy he left.

I gather fresh flowers for the house today.   Never have I seen so many butterflies, dragonflies and humming birds, one dragonfly perched for a moment on my finger and so many humming birds tweeted as they flew by me.  I felt wrapped in love in that garden this morning and I am grateful.

I picked the last of the hydrangeas today, they are no longer the blue of early summer but now the color has softened to almost a lavender blue.  The nice thing about the zinnias the end of summer and early fall seem to energize them, bigger blooms and brighter colors.

I hope your week is filled with peace and kindness.  Be safe, be well.

Fall's Promise

Some days there are gifts, small subtle ones, yet beautiful gifts.  Yesterday when I walked the dogs I looked down in the ferns that line the road to the barn, there was my gift.  The  most beautifully colored leaf promising that fall would come was nestled in the ferns.  I brought it home and placed it in one of my ferns out front and yes the colors have already faded but the promise has not.

I am still tying up the loose strings and some days those strings are such a tangled mess.  I remember to breathe,  I shed a few tears or maybe a lot and start the process of detangling.  This path is one that I could never imagine, yet I walk it daily.  I see Rick everywhere on this small farm and in our home.
I keep waiting for him to come through the door, yet I know in my heart he won't.

Rain is falling and the sound is so sweet on the tin roof.  I sat out on the screened porch and breathed the wonderful scent of rain on dry dirt.  In between the drops I made sure the hens had some corn to help them make it through the night.

It is so nice to know that no matter where all of you are tonight, you might be reading my words.  I know you miss Rick's words and pictures, so so I.  Tomorrow is mid-week, hump day.  Be kind, be grateful and treat those around you the way you would want to be treated.

Fern Garden

Thanks for your advice, I did it today and hopefully it works, fingers crossed.
The heat has been relentless here this week.  I get up around five each morning and try to accomplish everything that needs to be done outside by 9:00 am  or 10:00am.  Then I come in and do what needs to be done on my list.

The photo today is our last outdoor project together.  It is not finished, but it's getting there.
Our front yard was so shady and so full of tree roots that I had decided we would just go into the woods and start digging up ferns and planting them.  Some are planted in the ground, others we planted in containers.  Rick loved the idea and it really is looking very magical.   We have rain moving in by the middle of this coming week, if that happens then the dogs and I will go to the woods and dig more ferns to plant.  I can't begin to tell you all how much I miss him.

I've gotten the fall crop of tomatoes planted and this week I will start arugula seeds for containers.
Then there will be greens to get started, collards and kale and mustard.  I miss the bees but I know they are being cared for by people who know how to care for them. I still walk down to the area where we kept the hives hoping to see a rogue bee who stayed behind.

Jordan and my brother Ricky came over yesterday and we cleaned the chicken pen, putting fresh hay in the laying boxes and fresh cedar shavings in the roosting area.  Nothing brings you face to face with reality like shoveling chicken poop.  :)

I hope you all have had a weekend full of peace and kindness and good health.  I'm resting tomorrow and might try to do a bit of painting.  I haven't picked the guitar up yet, way too soon.

Help Me

A few weeks before Rick passed, I started getting random lewd sexual comments on past blog entries.  He thought he had stopped it, but they have continued and are becoming more frequent.
Can any of you help me, tell me what to do or who to contact.
Thanks for any input or advice you can offer.  Rick was the technical wiz,  all I know how to do is write this blog. 

Routine

I am working out simple morning routines.  Feed the chickens, walk the dogs, feed the birds, do the chores around the house and then spend hours on the phone.

There are so many loose ends to tie, and with every call there is the same story to be told over and over.
And no matter how hard I try, somewhere in the middle of telling that story to a faceless voice, I cry.

After about three hours on the phone,  I go outside.
I walk around the yard, pet the dogs and cry a bit more.  By then I eat a bit of lunch and spend the afternoon reading or writing in my journal.  Then it's time to feed and water the chicks, gather the eggs and let the dogs run again.

I'm getting there, where ever there is.  I do feel stronger and my mantra has become " I can do this."
Though most of the time I am not sure what "I can do this" means.

I am still getting so many cards and calls.  I am sure Rick never imagined how much he was loved.  I hope somehow now, he knows.

Peace

It has been a day of beauty.  Every time I looked out back or stepped out on the deck, there were butterflies all over the butterfly bush.  I always pick fresh flowers on Sunday mornings for the house and there were butterflies all around me...I felt wrapped in love and beauty.

There is a peace that has been with me today.  Maybe it is all the love and energy and prayers from those who loved Rick, maybe Rick himself has had a hand in it, but I have felt peace today.

I called a dear friend this afternoon.  She did not know about Rick.  She lives out of town and she is a fellow songwriter.  We cried tears and promised as soon as it is safe we will get together.

A friend from California sent me wonderful words of comfort today.

On the Sunday before a full moon, Rick and I always did a gratitude ceremony.  I continued that tradition this evening.  Even with a broken heart there is much to be grateful for, and I can't let myself forget that.  I gave thanks for my many blessings.

I hope that for all of you there has been peace in your lives today.   I hope this coming week is full of kindness, good health and peace for us all.   Let me introduce you to one of my visitors today.  Isn't she a beauty!