August 11
Contentment and acceptance, an interesting place to reside these days. Acceptance, I have found doesn't mean giving up but a release of anger and struggle against changes I had no power over. The Serenity Prayer probably comes to mind for many of you.
Acceptance has meant I no longer find myself at 2:00 in the morning demanding answers to questions that have no answers. I still awaken in those strange wee hours but now I read, I make gratitude lists, I write song lyrics or just meditate. After an hour or so if I find I'm still awake, I get up and start my day. Acceptance means I'm ok here on this farm alone but I'm really not alone. There are chickens and dogs and mother nature supplies an endless menagerie of creatures to amuse or annoy me.
Contentment is a byproduct of acceptance. Both have brought a greater understanding of who I am and how I want to live my remaining life. There is a place now for the grief and sadness that will always be a part of who I am .
My day planner of all things helped bring me to this place. Each day I found myself connecting to it. Maybe it was because it is one of my favorite gifts from Rick or maybe it was just the habit that had been instilled in me years ago and I just clung to the familiarity of it.
Daily I have written in this old worn leather planner for 35 years. At first after Rick passed, I just kept a daily list of farm chores, business and personal chores that had to be done. As the months passed I found myself adding to the "what matters most list" and soon items like, do your vocal exercises, walk, paint, read, write, call friends and family, take a nap,play guitar, pound on the keyboard were all helping me to find balance and regain acceptance of an everyday life.
Acceptance also gave me awareness of my most valuable treasure, time. I have become so cautious now of whom I spend time with and how I spend my time. I have no desire to waste a second.
Contentment and awareness makes for a good place to live these days. There are moments of joy and laughter but I also know the value of my tears and sadness. I know that for me, memories won't heal my shattered heart, I have learned to live with the hole that is always there. For now, my gratitude list is long and that is enough. An everyday life is a good one.
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