Bittersweet Sundays

Sunday nights are sometimes bittersweet for me.  For the last two years of my mom's life, I would go down to her house on Sunday evening and spend the night with her.  I spent days and other nights, but Sunday nights became our routine.  We would talk about what the coming week would bring, make grocery lists, watch tv, play with the cat.  Sometimes we would look at old photographs and talk about
the past.  We didn't spend much time on the future, but we spent a great deal in the present and the past.

After she died, it took several years to let go of that feeling every Sunday afternoon that I needed to get my clothes together and go down to her house.  Old habits, especially ones that ingrained on your emotions are hard to break.

This afternoon that sensation hit me.  I had not felt it in a long time, but that sense of urgency was almost overwhelming.  Wanting to see my mom weighed in my heart, and for an hour or so I felt totally out of sorts, knowing that she was not at her house.

October always intensifies my connection with my parents and my missing them.  Their anniversary was this month, my dad's birthday is this month, my mom died the first week of November, so October was the last month she was in my life.

I am missing her tonight, more than I have in quite sometime.  She has been gone ten years, come this November.  It is an eternity and a moment.  I just wish I could pick up the phone and call her.
Once she told me that she didn't want to die because she knew what it was like when her mother died and she didn't want  me to know to that pain of missing your mother. Sadly it is a pain most of us will have to experience at some point in our lives.

Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday night, and a week that brings joy.
Goodnight Sweet dreams.