Old Habits

Caregiver.....I have been one since I was a small child.  How can that be you ask?  Before I ever started to school my mom would tell me it was my job to take care of my little brother Ricky......I took my job seriously.  As I grew older tween and early teen years ( before I could drive) if anyone in the family got sick and needed a caregiver, my mom volunteered me.  I now know, that was not necessarily a good thing, but for many many years I felt it was my personal responsibility to take care of my family and friends, and if for some reason I failed at that, well I shouldered the blame, fault, guilt, etc.

I still struggle with that need to care, to make sure all is well, and if not.......to do whatever I can to fix it......old habits are hard to break.  My mother did not turn me into a caregiver to punish me......I think she thought it was a great way to teach me kindness and caring.......little did she know how obsessive I would become about it, how I would worry and fret, how  as a grown woman I would feel responsible for my loved ones.

Even today I have struggled with the fixation of taking care, of trying to make it all better......I know logically how foolish and harmful it is for me.......yet, old habits are hard to break.  There are positive things that have come from this twisted personality quirk........it made me a good teacher, a good friend, a good wife......I just have to remember I can't fix everything......old habits are hard to break.
I think it is good some times to bare one's soul, to let other see the weak link in your chain.......you've seen mine tonight.......and remember, old habits are hard to break.