Treatment #19

Nineteen months.........it seems the treatments get closer and closer together, even the one of the nurses looked at me today and remarked that it seemed as though I had been in only a few days ago.
The room was full today, those big green chairs are not aging well.....today, they looked worn and tired.
As always there were some old friends and new ones.......but there was a happy spirit  today.
Everyone laughed, and there was a feeling of optimistic joy.

My beginning was a little rough, the first try, vein swelling......but we moved to the other arm and all was well.  Some of the early side effects have fallen by the wayside, mostly due to the slowing down of the flow of the drip......but the fatigue and aches and weakness are still with me......and strangely, even though the dose is the same each time.......every month my body reacts differently.

I took my doctor one of my relaxation cds that I give to my students.....it has four different meditations, including one for sleep.  My students tell me it's not the meditations, that it's my voice that helps them to relax......who knows, as long as it helps.  It will be interesting to hear to hear what my doctor says.

Those green chairs are not so scary anymore, I know that there is a place for them in my life.......there must be a reason I sit in them each month. My doctor keeps telling me the other patients find comfort when I am there.......I don't do anything different, I talk, I listen, I give as many hugs as possible.
Those green chairs have taught me many lessons, I see death and pain in them.......but I also see hope and health......I see incredible loneliness, but I also see family and friends finding strength and reconnecting with each other.  Those green chairs bring out the best and the worst in those of us who sit there.  I have seen those chairs empty and full......I understand the power they have.

The exhaustion is quite painful on these days.......I think that it is a combination of many things......the treatment, but also the emotional energy that flows through the room......some days the sense of fear and loss is palatable......today, even with the joy and the laughter, there was an underlying current of helplessness with some of the younger patients.  I talked with one young woman for awhile, explaining to her how important it was to not give up.......it takes a strong warrior to sit in those chairs, fighting for your health.....fighting for your life......it takes warrior skills you never knew you had.   Warriors in big green chairs.....what an image that must be.
So very tired, my bed calls to me
Goodnight, Sweet dreams