Rick's mom is fading slowly, her passage to where ever is next seems like watching the sunset. There are changes that fade from one to the next, and for moments it seems time is suspended. This is that change we all are afraid of, that passing of those we love.......we pray that it is peaceful and painless...
we hope that we are strong and courageous, knowing when to let go and say our goodbyes.
This week has brought back so many memories of watching my own mother as she passed. It is exhausting, yet there is a part of you that doesn't want it to end, there is a part of you that prays for the end. You feel as though the skin has been peeled from your body, yet there is absurd numbness too. The emotions are hitting so fast and hard.....guilt, regret, love, anger, sadness and fear are just a few that course through your heart. This is the part of life that no one prepares you for, this is the part that you think and wish never comes.
I wish that our culture was better at this passing......that we celebrated the fact that the body is only temporary and that who we are goes on forever. Memories of those we love are forever programmed in our brains, passed through our DNA, and we weep for the loss of the familiar,the body.......but we rejoice for the passage of the spirit for what comes next.
The hard part......the waiting, the false hope, the rawness of the emotions, the profound sorrow and grief when that last breath does take place. Rick has looked at me several times this week and said that he was struggling to stay in the now. This is the now that no one wants to be in, yet every last one of us will be there at some point in our life. It all comes down to one breath at a time.....when the now becomes the past and the future.....and we say goodbye.