We are living in the land of limbo here on the farm. The chickens have stopped laying. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the fact that a few weeks ago Rick had asked one of his friends to adopt our rooster because he had become aggressive with the kids and he came by Saturday and took him to a new hen house. But the hens are still very loving and attentive so maybe it's just the heat.
Have you ever seen a dog cry? I had not, not until yesterday. Hook goes to the window a dozen times during the day watching for Rick to get out of his truck. Yesterday I sat down beside him and when he looked at me, a tear rolled down his cheek. The broken pieces of my heart broke into more pieces.
I am in the throes of the paper trail now. Calling and changing things like bills to my name, trying to make decisions and hoping that I am doing what Rick would do. I keep watching for him, to walk through the field from the barn or the honey house. I keep waiting to hear his voice or hear his laugh.
Nothing.
Jordan spent the morning with me. He's finally eating and speaking to me, but won't talk about Rick.
There is not a manual for this stuff, not really. This is fly by the seat of your pants and hope you don't mess up stuff. Walking through darkness, catching glimpses of light that is how my days have been.
This grief is so different from that of losing my parents and brother. I have lost a part of me.
Take care of yourselves, be kind, wear masks, be safe, be well.
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
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It's good that you can talk about your day and the ups and down. My heart feels for your sorrows. Poor Jordan, he must be hurting deeply also. Dogs are so faithful and they love too and it's understandable that they morn too.
ReplyDeleteOn July 25th it would have been my daughter Nicole's birthday. In October she will have been gone for three years. The pain is not as sharp but loosing a child is also different than loosing a parent but every circumstances are different and we all mourn in our own way. You are right, there are no manuals for that kind of stuff.
Thinking of you and Jordan.
Hugs, Julia
All you can do is wade in and do the best you can. I had thought that Hook would take this hard. Rick really saved him.
ReplyDeleteI wondered how Jordan was doing. I can't imagine the mind of a child losing someone so dear. I hope as time goes by he remembers all that Rick taught him and how much he was loved. For now I guess, like you, he's in limbo. I remember when Dad died and Mom had to take over everything as well as finish raising my youngest brother. She was always afraid of making a mistake but she trusted her instincts and I think she felt guided in many of her decisions by unseen forces. I feel so bad for Hook..you can't explain this to him. I sure wish there was something I could do for you. You are in my thoughts daily. Hugs and please remember to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe picture of Hook, the dog, looking out of the window (Rick's last post) is heart-breaking!
ReplyDeleteYou're walking in darkness, as you say, but the glimpses of light will hopefully become wider and wider as the days pass, and you'll gradually adjust to the new reality.
Amen to Duta above. I love the way you wrote this. You guys have given to the 'throw away' dogs, as I have said many times 'they' won the lottery. I can relate to 'Ole Hook' since we have his twin as a grand dog, and deaf.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you lots, yes I am sure Rick approves of what you must do.
Love from NC from us here in NC.
Rick is near even when you don't feel him, he is there. You are so right that there is no manual on grief. My heart breaks for Jordan who loved him so much and still needed to be there for you too. I welled up when you wrote that the dog had a tear in his eye. Hug him like no tomorrow. When my mom lost her husband, after the service, she took the book where everyone wrote in and created a photo album of it showcasing some sayings to go with the pictures she glues in. It was cathartic for her. Mind you you don't have a book because of this virus but you will find a way to always honour him and the love you 2 shared.
ReplyDeleteOh my the thoughts of that dog with tears in his eyes just breaks my heart. Believe it or not, it will get better for all of you. Time has away of taking away some of the pain. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you go through the difficult time. Love and hugs...
ReplyDeleteLike so many others, you and Jordan have been in my thoughts and prayers. I can't help but be reminded of my son at that age when my father passed suddenly and the bottom of Troy's world dropped out beneath him. Reading about Ol' Hook ... why, I'm without words. Healing hugs!
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