REST

I think that I am like many of you, some lessons are more difficult than others, and for some reason, I have to relearn some of them.  You would think that after 16 months of treatments I would know the drill about what to do the following days......well, I do know, but this was one of those weeks I just didn't do what I needed to........which was rest for a couple of days.  I am paying the price tonight.......this too shall pass.

There are lessons in life that we all know the drill for........and we don't follow them......and we pay the price.  You know, it's like driving the car when it really needs service or thinking you can make it to the gas station when the warning light flashes.  Putting off that check-up with the doctor.....and then finally when you do go in, all those should haves added up to a great big, oh no.

Little things add up, knowing what is best for you and not doing it........it will come back to haunt you.  I can testify to that.  We are human.......we think we don't have time, or we think we have plenty of time.......we think it can wait until tomorrow or next week or even next month.......we think it won't happen again.....or it won't happen to us.  My most infamous line, but how can that be, I did everything right!  Life is a gamble, even when all your bases are covered......don't raise the odds by ignoring the things that need to be done.

Next month, already written in my day planner.......days after treatment  REST.  :)

Dive In

Out of my comfort zone, I am diving into uncharted waters.......I don't teach the day after treatment, that is normal.  It's the thought of not teaching at all next week, that is making me a little antsy.  We are such creatures of habit aren't we?

I have been reading about habits......good and bad. It is interesting, that changing a habit creates the same chemical reaction in the brain as withdrawal from substance abuse. No wonder even the simplest change in habit is so difficult.  And then there is the book that I have already read twice, The War of Art.

Complications abound........changing habits, using my creative energy......my head is spinning.

What I do know, my body needs rest, my brain needs a change of venue, my spirit needs nourishment.

I bet it is safe to say that most of you who are reading this blog tonight need all of the above.  If you don't, lucky you.

So what am I going to do?  Read, sit out doors, get some sun......let go of a few "have to's"......just for a few days.....no teaching, no practicing, no house work, no gardening.  I may scream, maybe cry.....or.......I might just enjoy myself!  Will keep you posted.  In the meantime, let's make this a joint venture......let go of something the next few days......it doesn't have to be a permanent change, just try to let go......change a habit....use your creative energy.....come on, I dare you!  Dive right in, we'll do this together. 

Treatment #16

Treatment #16.........they are working, I can tell, and my numbers are coming up..... but,.it doesn't mean I embrace them.  When I got to the infusion room this morning there was only one other person in those big green chairs, within the next hour all the chairs were taken......the room buzzed like a bee hive.

One of the chair buddies had great news today.......no more chemo for her.....she was beside herself with joy.  Louis, my favorite chair buddy came in today. He was suppose to go to a baseball game, but he wasn't feeling well.  I admit, I was glad to see him, but I don't want him sick.  He has done treatments three years....
I am sure he has had his moments, but all you ever see is hope, kindness and dignity. A three time, cancer survivor he is speaking at a fund raiser this weekend.  He told me the only reason he agreed to going, they promised him he didn't have to wear pink.......Louis is not a pink kind of guy.  He looks and sounds like Morgan Freeman.

We were short a nurse today, Justin and Lolly never stopped.....they work that room like a well oiled machine, with incredible team effort. If I were to ever win the lottery, those nurses live's would get much easier. I feel as though they are family, they have become such a part of my life. They take good care of me and all the others who sit in those big green chairs.

I am incredibly tired tonight, it's hard work......letting that drip work its way through your body for almost four hours. I think about my life before I started the infusions, how sick I was.........when I started them, I thought 6 months or so and all will be better......I think about the sickness, how bad the treatments were that first year.......but now we have the kinks worked out, the rate that is right for me and my body.  16 months,
life sustaining juice, every month........I am grateful.
Goodnight, sweet dreams

A Break

My anxiety levels are up today, tomorrow is treatment #16.  You'd think after 16 months I would be a professional about this, but there is still that little angst that creeps into your psyche the day before.
I have met chair buddies who have been getting IV treatments for as many as 16 years.  Sitting in those big green chairs gives true meaning to "life sustaining."

I am also taking a few days off from teaching next week......it is a time for a break.....physical and mental.
My students were not happy about my news today, but it's only four days.  I suppose I have spoiled them just a wee bit.

We humans are interesting, are we not?  Our work ethic and drive vary so much.........some of us can't stop, while others can barely start or go.  I think that I rest, but to hear my husband tell his story I never do.
I blame it on my mom......I know, she's dead, she can't defend herself.  Her philosophy in life, "if you slow down or stop, you'll die."   She ingrained that in all seven of us kids.......we laugh about it at family get-to-gethers, but it is a sad kinda of laugh.

I know that breaks/vacations are important.....for physical and mental health.  I have found even with guitar playing and vocals, breaks are important.....it seems my voice is so much stronger, my guitar playing better if I take a break from practice every once in awhile.  My classes will be better, my students will benefit from my break next week.....I will go back a better, stronger teacher.

Have you all taken a break or vacation lately?  Isn't it time?

Memorial Day

Memorial Day, 2013.......thanks to all of you who have served, who have sacrificed.

Thank you seems inadequate, yet there are no other words that seem to fit.

Thank You

Blessings

One of my chair buddies called today, we were out in the yard, but he left a message that brought a smile to my face.  We had given him a couple of Rick's books, he has read the first one and started the second.
He loves them.......but the smile came when he told me that he was doing so well, that he probably wouldn't see me this week.......he's going to a baseball game.  He'll get his treatment early, then head out to Birmingham's Rickwood Field to see the game.

There was a lilt in his voice, he is always smiling......but, this was different......he felt good.  He is my favorite buddy, and I hope to see him.  It is just not the same when he isn't there.

I can tell it is almost treatment day.......my energy level drops big time.  Not sure if it is physical or psychological, it just seems the juice leaves my body about five days before the next round.
 Today was good, I saw friends and family.  There were blue skies, it was sunny and warm and I made a blueberry pound cake with our fresh blueberries.  But the undercurrent........knowing this is treatment week.
I remind myself, it could be so much worse......this too shall pass.

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend, remember those who have served, the sacrifices they have made.....bless them all and all of you as well.
Goodnight, sweet dreams

"Stuff"

If I had only planted some red flowers in this bed, it would have been a perfect garden for Memorial Weekend......next year.
My flower beds are still in such disarray......rain, unseasonably cool weather, storms.....and then there are those nasty little treatments every 28 days.......but I am getting there.

Last year, I didn't have enough energy to even think about my flowers, but they hung on.  This year is better, I/we still have a long way to go, but that is ok.

I love foxgloves (that is the big spike of white flowers). My mother grew them, so did my grandmother.  This plant is from seeds that came from my mom's garden.  There is really no smell, but I love their beauty, and their size......they make a statement.

I have washed yoga mats, worked in the flowers, and picked blueberries......a little sunburned.....a lot tired.  It has been a great way to spend a Saturday.  As much as I love performing,  a Saturday to do stuff, is needed as well.  We all need days to do our "stuff"......it is the ordinary that keeps us grounded, it is the ordinary that makes us appreciate the magical,  it is the ordinary that glues the moments to our memories.  I wish you all an ordinary day this weekend, a day to do your stuff.......then take a moment to appreciate the magical.

Remembered

"Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered."
- Dr. Seuss

So, what would you be remembered for today?  It may seem strange, but I often think about how I might be remembered.  It is important to me, how I will be remembered......it is important to me that I be remembered.

I hope that I am remembered with love, that people remember my kindness, they remember my songs and my voice, they remember my teaching.  I think this need for remembrance comes with age......life has to count for something, what are we doing here if it doesn't?  I  want friends, family and acquaintances to remember me, just as I remember so many of them.....with fondness, with joy, with love.

I want people to remember the food and good times at our house, to remember those Christmas cards I painted year after year, to remember that I loved with all my heart. I know the memories won't last forever,
but just for awhile, may they burn bright and strong.

Would you be proud of how you would be remembered today? or could you do better? I think it is important to live each day as though this would be the one you would be remembered for......it could be you know.

Hello, Goodbye

Hello, goodbye.....it has been of those weeks.....students leaving, new ones coming in.  Hello, goodbye.....it is draining....this hello, goodbye.....but it is also exciting.  People come in who seem so broken and sad......most leave with a new perspective.....and a little more hope.

Life is passing so quickly these days that everything seems to be hello, goodbye.  The seasons, the days, the months, the years.....hello, goodbye.

My bed is gently calling to me, my body aches, my spirit drained......hello, goodbye.
Goodnight, sweet dreams

Day Planner

I have a day planner, have had one for years........I even attended the Franklin Covey class, What Matters Most for time management.  We bought Samantha, our niece her own day planner before she could drive.
To this day, she still uses hers also.  My day planner has dates booked through July......getting ready to start August.  It truly is my time management tool.

This morning was like most at our house......coffee first, a quick E-mail check and then I start working my planner.  Everything was neatly planned, in order of importance, including "the big rocks." ( Google a Franklin Covey video about the "big rocks.")  I noticed as I drank my second cup of coffee that the house seemed a little stuffy......no biggie, humidity was building, so was the heat.

I dressed and we walked Calliou and Samantha's dog, Lady.  After the walk, as I entered the house, I noticed how stuffy and warmer it had become......not good.  Rick was in the garden, I yelled that there was something wrong with the AC......there was.  Thus began the day.  Suddenly the planner and its nice long list fell by the wayside.  Parts had to be found, groceries were needed, we thought it was a fuse, then a compressor.......the day had taken control......damn the planner.

That's how it goes sometimes,  even the best laid plans fall by the wayside......that is life. But, the important thing.....get back on track tomorrow.  See what you can selvage from today, work it in tomorrow or the next day......hope for the best.  Try to laugh, if you cry, don't whine.  I have already transferred today's list to tomorrow.....we'll see how it goes.

He Is Not A Mutt

Through the years our dogs were castaways in the truest sense........mutts, sickly, weird, dogs that no one wanted.......some had really sweet personalities, others were cat-like and independent, some were so needy,
some like ol' Buddy were a little of all.

For the first time in many years we only have one dog, Calliou a magnificent, prissy collie......he is not a mutt.
He actually chose us.  Calliou (originally Wallie) lived about a mile away with a neighbor, but he would not go home . It was the year the year the tornadoes hit, maybe he just felt safer with us, I don't know.  But it was months before we even knew he belonged to our neighbor, he just chose us.    He stayed with us for months, we took him to the vet, he made peace with Blackie Bear, Astro, Buddy and Taylor and he became ours.

The other dogs were old and sickly and one by one this past year, they all passed over the rainbow.  These days, our house is so empty, so quiet.  Even though Calliou is big, he is not a barker......more a high pitched
woof, woof.  The other dogs made their presence known, he prefers to gingerly tip-paw through the house.
He is starting to understand that there is no pecking order now........he is king. I think in his own way he misses the other dogs, especially Buddy........Buddy always let him know this was his home, he was here first and if there had to be a choice about who stayed or left.......Buddy would win.

Calliou has not chosen Rick nor  I for his master......he seems to want us both......His favorite place to sleep is in the guest room, and he loves to herd people. Tonight, he is lying in the floor beside me as I write this blog, just the way Blackie Bear use to do.  We are leaning each other, likes and dislikes.......he doesn't like to be brushed, I don't like to be herded.  It will be a while, when and if we take in another dog.....for now, living with a prissy dog is all we need, all we want.  He is not a mutt, but he is awful lovable.

Live in the Present

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.  There is no other land, there is no other life but this."   - Henry David Thoreau

Thoreau knew and understood the meaning of now, he knew that this moment is all we have.
I would have loved to have spent time with him, walked through the woods and talked.
It is so important to remind ourselves daily.......we must live in the present.

Heaven

Heaven.......my friend Joel Robinson talked with me at length years ago about his thoughts on heaven.
Joel had been a friend for years, he knew my parents, Rick's parents....he was Walker County's version of Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird).  He was smart and funny and kind and one of the hardest, yet greatest tasks I was ever asked to do.....sing at his funeral.

Heaven......Joel's thoughts were unique, he described in depth one day about his grandparent's thoughts of heaven.....in their heaven, their homes would always be warm in the winter, cool in the summer, plenty of good food, clothes, a roof over their heads, plenty of cool fresh water, medicine for illness, education for their children......all would have enough.  As the words rolled off his tongue in his gentlemanly southern drawl, he looked at me and smiled broadly, do you realize he said, my grandparents would think that I am living in heaven this very day......I have everything in my life right now, that they thought would be in heaven.

That conversation has stayed with me all these years.  He often talked about his thoughts on God, on the Universe and mankind. He and my father taught me similar ideas, that love was the answer, that all humans were equal and that here on earth it could be heaven or hell......depending on your circumstances.

I was reminded of Joel's words today......our writer's think tank had a meeting and as we sat around the kitchen table, we began to talk about how grateful we were for our lives, for what we had, for the bond that our circle had formed......I sat there and thought, wow this is how I always envisioned heaven........good friends, food, music, laughter and being loved.

Self-compassion

" A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life." - Christopher Germer

Guilty, I have had moments like most.....where I have berated and belittled myself.....but I know people who seem to do their whole life  that way.  So......stop it now.......show yourself compassion.....stop beating yourself up, stop saying all those negative things about yourself.....today is the day.
Self-compassion, today, tomorrow and forever.  See yourself in a different light, you'll see others differently too........life will be different.  Practice self-compassion......now.....this moment.

Spring

Wet soil, jasmine, honeysuckle, roses, mint, rosemary and rain.....that is what you smell as you step through our front or back doors tonight.......it is spring......one of the prettiest and wettest that we have had in some time.

We planted wild flowers, tomatoes, egg plants and squash this morning......two hours later, three inches of rain.  I figure the pond may be growing veggies and flowers soon.

I opened the front door this evening after the all the rains moved through.....the light was pink, the hemlock glistened with thousands of tiny droplets.....I thought I was in the northwest.....the beauty and lushness was almost too much to bear.

No one wants to live in Alabama in July and August when the it is 100 degrees with 90 percent humidity.......everyone wants to live here in the spring.  Wish you were here.

Labels

Letting go of labels........that was yoga class today.  Sometimes we wear so many labels, we lose our identity.   Sometimes we believe the labels that others slap across our foreheads......for good or bad.
It is good every once in awhile to spend some quiet time and strip away the labels........just let them fall where they may.......until we find the real essence of who we are.  Forget about the label of sex, of relationships, of sibling, of parent, of friend, of doctor, artist, attorney, teacher, addict, loser, stupid.......forget all those labels.......remember who we really are.......human beings with the capacity to love and be loved.......and then let go of the human label.......we are spiritual beings with the capacity to love and be loved......that is it......that is who we are.

Celebrate Life

Still reading The War of Art, fascinating.....about half way.  Will do a report soon.
Busy day, early doctor's appointment, then on to the mall and then lunch with Rick......and then home to work in the yard.  Why are off days never off?

It's interesting, I have spent so much time at the chemo clinic/lab it's like going to visit family every time I see one of my doctors.  Every one from delivery guys to receptionists recognize me, it is comforting to see smiling faces and hear friendly voices.....to get high fives and hugs.  I showed the receptionist my teal toe nail polish today, she just howled with laughter as I lifted my leg and showed her my toes.  Her personal toe nail color was baby blue.  What can I say, it is the little things that brighten your day.

I met an absolutely delightful young woman at one of the shops in the mall today.  She had a tattoo that I immediately recognized its symbolism......her family were all Naval officers.....several generations of them.
We bonded quickly when I told her a little about my job.  Her spirit was amazing, her beauty, breath-taking.....I could have stayed and talked with her most of the day......she now has a loyal customer.

It was good to be out, to spend time outside, feeling the warm sun on my face.....to see smiling faces....to eat
great fish tacos.  This day was good for my spirit, we celebrated Rick's awards, we celebrated a good day,
we celebrated life.  If you haven't felt the warm sun on your face, or the wind blow through your hair recently, spend some time outside.  Eat a meal outdoors, smile at strangers........celebrate being alive......paint your toe nails blue.  :) 

Creative Battles

Transformation is always on going.......well hopefully it is.  Creative transformation is quite often the last transformation I want to deal with.....turns out I am not alone.  It seems that many run from their creative energy......and many cheat themselves of its benefits.

I read an article over the week-end in Real Simple magazine, a listing of 50 life-changing books.  Many of them I had already read, but one jumped from the page right smack into my face......"The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield.
I looked at Rick and told him we had to buy this book, we both needed to read it.  He bought a Kindle version, my paper back came today.

The sub-title of the book......break through the blocks and win your inner creative battles.  I have just started reading it this evening......if this works, I will sing it from the roof tops.  You know, we all fight this battle, for some it is direct creative energy, but for others, it is a desire to lose weight, beat an addiction, reach a goal we have dreamed about for years.....we all have some gift to give the world, but it seems we cheat ourselves
and the world of those gifts.

I think by tomorrow night I will have read this small book, will let you all know what I think. Personally, I am hoping for a major jump start on winning my creative battles.

Destroyed By Their Virtues

Sometimes quotes speak so directly to me, I cannot ignore them, they have to be shared........this one from Hemingway yelled at me, it described so many people that I have met these past few years.

"for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice.  Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed." - Ernest Hemingway

I bet some of you know these people too, God bless them everyone.

Goodnight, Sweet dreams

Ruby

It is Mother's Day.......I hope that you all have had a good day.  I never had children but I have several nieces and nephews that always remember me on this day.  I got calls, hugs, cards , candy and a rockin' pair of hot pink shoes.

I miss my mom on my Mother's Day, for the most obvious reasons, but also because I loved shopping for gifts for her.  She was so much fun to shop for, and to shop with.  She was a fashionista before that was even a word.  She taught me to sew, to shop thrift stores and she passed on her love of shoes to me.  Her philosophy, fit, feel, and wear it forever.  She taught me well.
I was so intimidated by her beauty.  She was everything I wasn't......olive skin, deep earthy eyes and rich dark hair.
This photo is of she and her sister Betty.  Betty is on the left, my mom, Ruby on the right......they were two righteous babes.  Rick and I went down a few days ago and visited Aunt Betty.  She can tell some great stories.

If your mom is still alive, I hope you got to spend some time with her today or maybe give her a call.  It you are like me, and all you have are memories........then cherish those.  I guess momma got a Mother's Day gift this year after all, Buddy went to be with her.
Happy Mother's Day.

Art In The Park

Art in the Park, is usually at a very beautiful park in Jasper, Al. but because of rain all the exhibits were moved to the college gym......and because of the rain threat, no stage......so all the musicians just gathered around the front door of the gym and had a really fun time!

I love this photo, it shows my ability to balance as well as play and sing.....all those years of yoga have payed off.

It was a good day, music, art and seeing many of our dearest friends......oh yeah and great NYC style pizza.

I hope your weekend is as much fun as my day has been.

Good Fatigue

There is good fatigue and bad fatigue......today is the good kind.  Jordan, our five year old great nephew spent the day.
We painted flower pots for his mom and  Nana for Mother's Day and made cupcakes.

The butterflies on the pots are his footprints...he was so proud of his work in the paint room and the kitchen.
He created a new kind of cupcake.......sprinkle LOTS of colored sugar sprinkles on the batter, then bake, then frost.
They are yummy!

He also got to pick and eat the very first blueberry.
I think he had a good day.  I know I did......it was just what I needed.

One Day, One Breath

I had several students say goodbye this week......it never gets any easier.  They are so amazing, brilliant, talented.......when they leave, I just pray that their lives get better.....that they have peace and joy.....that they find the path they so desperately seek.

There were tears today of sadness and joy......it is so scary to go back out into the world.....in rehab you have a safety net, a large support group......the world hasn't changed, all the stuff that was there before is still there, you have to walk a new walk, talk a different talk and sometimes make tough decisions about your life and those you want in it.

Yoga is a great tool for recovery of any type.........whether you are recovering from grief, illness, addiction......yoga can help.  Learning to be still, learning to breathe, learning to go within........even the movements take you to a different place.  Living in the now, the present is a biggie........most of us try to hang on to the past, while worrying ourselves crazy about the future, never thinking for one second about the now.  We replay those ancient memories and dally with what ifs until we destroy the present.....and then we wonder what in the hell happened to our life?

I closed my classes today with something that I say often.......12 steps teach one day at a time, yoga teaches one breath at a time.......some days, all you can do is  make it through one breath at a time.

Namaste

Funk Days

We all have "funk" days.......sometimes they last for weeks, sadly for some months or maybe years.  I have had a few of them this week......the treatment last week triggered a headache that will not go away, and then of course Buddy's death.

So, how do you get through the funk?   First you have to figure out what is going on......for me, headache induced by treatment and then grief because of pet's death.....and a husband getting wacky over taxes.   I will work through the grief, that takes some time.  Grief cannot be rushed, losing someone or a beloved pet is loss......loss of love.....I know that Buddy was very sick, I also know that now he no longer suffers.  The headache.......aspirin helps for a while, trying to drink extra water.......probably should call doc.  Husband wacky over taxes.....
time will take care of that, ( and maybe a whack on the side of his head.)  :)

One thing I have found about funk......it is like pity, you can wallow in it and it will devour you......or you can begin to seriously look at the cause and take steps to clear things out.  You have to be brutally honest about the funk, what caused it and what it will take to clear it out.
Funk can be alcohol or drug induced, it can be brought on by boredom, by having no purpose,
or sense of direction.......funk can be caused by many things.

I find a walk out doors, some fresh air helps.  Sometimes just a chat with friends, a good cry,
a good laugh and often a long hard look at your life........often it is time for a change.  Change
can sometimes scare the wits out of you, that will get you out of a funk rather quickly.
If it is a funk that is caused by boredom or a dead-end job or a life that seems to have no sparkle......get up and do something!  Go to class, learn a new skill, plant something,  do something different......you have to get the blood flowing and the heart beating.

One other thing, when in a funk......smile.....even if you have to fake it.  Pretty soon the fake  will become real, you 'll look better, and the funk will start to fade. Smiles make others around you smile, they make people around you wonder why you're smiling......and the next time the funk comes to visit.....you've got some ammunition.  My funk is better all ready.

Ol' Buddy

Ol' Buddy Watson
June, 2001 - May 7, 2013
RIP






He was my mom's dog.......after she became ill, he came to live with us.
He weighed 25 pounds, he thought he was the same size as Blackie Bear and Astro......they weighed 90 pounds each.

Today he joined Astro and Blackie Bear somewhere over the rainbow.....I bet my mom was there to meet him too.
He was loved, and he will be missed.

Un-Awakened

A long day, I am exhausted......

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains un-awakened."  - Anatole France

May you all know the unconditional love of an animal......may your soul
be fully awake.

That's Life

I have written about balance often, about the yin and yang, the happy and sad of life......today is one of those days where there really is the best and worst taking place at once.
This is our 39th anniversary.......wow, 39 years ago in Brewton, Al stopped at a friend's house on the way to the beach ( he was a minister).  We had one day left on the marriage license before it expired, I had a long gauzy dress, Rick had a velvet sports coat ( hey this was 1974)
and we said I do.  We celebrated with Boone's Farm Strawberry wine and Hostess Twinkies......and then on to Laguna Beach, Fl.  It has been like all marriages, good, bad, fair,
sad, happy and sometimes just holding on......for us, there has been much more good.

Tonight, the sad......I mentioned a few days ago that Buddy was sick.  Buddy was my mom's dog and when she fell, he came to our house to live.  Buddy has cancer and it looks as though
we will be back at the vet's making that decision no one wants to make.  Even though he truly bonded to Rick,  I love him too......and in that weird way, that he was once hers......he is my last link to my mom.

So......a good day, a bad day......that's life.....a good marriage, a good dog.  I am a lucky woman.

I Am Fearless

I met my friend Jackie for lunch today......her birthday was in February, mine in March......I know this is May, but that happens sometimes.  We always meet at the same Mexican place, for Christmas and birthdays.

She gave me this beautiful silver necklace that someone she knew designed......3 charms, one
an aquamarine (my birthstone) and two little tags.....engraved one, I am......on the other, Fearless.  When I opened it, she said, you are fearless.

Fearless.......that word has been used to describe me many times.......and you know, I just never thought I was fearless.  I admit, I have lived a very fruitful, fun life......I just never thought about it being fearless.  Fearless.....without fear.......I teach about letting go of fear, about the dangers of fear.  But, I think dealing with fear at some point or other in our lives is something we all do.

Maybe as a woman I didn't let certain things make me fearful........I was never beautiful, but I modeled......I don't have the greatest voice in the world, but I have sung in some amazing places.....I paint because I love it......I teach yoga because I believe in it.....and I expect something good to take place everywhere I go.......and I found that no matter who I met, I could talk with them......if those things are fearless, then yes, I am fearless.

I love the necklace.......I think everyone should have one or at least a bumper sticker......
I Am Fearless.

The Gift

We visited our friends Charlie and Yvonne this afternoon......they are older.....and wiser ......
and so wonderful.  Charlie was in Washington politics for years, he is witty and smart.....Yvonne hosts (along with Charlie) a local tv show.  Spending time with them is such a treat.

As we sat and laughed and talked, Yvonne looked at me, and said she would be right back.
When she came back, she handed me an exquisite gold/rose gold engraved bangle bracelet.
I looked at her puzzled, she said this is yours, put it on.  It was a bracelet that Charlie had given her years ago..........she said, who else would I give this to ?  I have no daughter, take it.
I was in tears and so deeply touched,  It is a gift I will always treasure.

I understand her gesture, I have started giving my nieces pieces of my jewelry for their birthday and Christmas gifts.  I want them to know and enjoy the pieces and their histories.
I want to see their faces when they open each  box, I mean if I am dead and gone, how will I know their joy?  I understand the importance of giving the specific gifts to those you want to have them.  The time is now, not later.

I have ran my fingers across the smooth coolness of that gold bangle many times tonight......
thinking of a young and beautiful Yvonne, dazzled by her charming and powerful husband....and the gifts that he bestowed upon her.  I am honored to receive such a gift, knowing its history.......knowing their love for each other.  I will wear it with love......such a wonderful gift.

Lessons Learned

ok, so I am back on the island!   I admit, I have spent a great deal of time on the sofa today, but not so much sleep.  There was very little energy in my body this morning, but around 4:00 this afternoon life started to creep back into my body.......my legs are not made of rubber anymore.  Strange stuff, those chemicals that drip into your body.......killer headache today......and a sensation of dehydration, no matter how much water I drink.  Ugh.

This treatment process has taught me many lessons.......so far I have learned........
that sometimes no matter how badly I want to do something, my body demands rest
that sitting in those big green chairs is a great equalizer, they are no respecter of persons
that everyone sees death and life if you sit in those chairs long enough
that you truly can't always get what you want
that good health is the most valuable commodity in the world
that we all want and need help at some point in our lives
that nurses will never make what they are worth
that life is short, no matter your age, you better do what you love
that love and kindness give hope, even when there is none
that smiles are needed daily
that patience is a lesson learned each time you sit in that big green chair
that there are doctors who care, find them
that friends love you, even when you spend the night in the bathroom tossing your cookies when they come to visit
that whatever you want to do with your life, do it now
that even in illness, you have to take responsibility and be active in your life and treatment

15 treatments, and many more lessons learned than what I have written tonight........more to come........lessons and treatments.

May 1

May 1........cloudy and windy, rain is on its way

May 1.......four hours in the big green chair

May 1......saw my favorite chair buddy and got a big hug

May 1......slept most of the day

May 1......my great niece, Breeze made the swim team and won two first place ribbons today

May 1......the whole world seems so green and fresh today

May 1........the hummingbirds are swarming the feeders

May 1........where did those other four months go

May 1......treatment #15 today

May 1.......our anniversary is this month

May 1......Mother's Day is this month, so strange not to buy our mom's gifts, I miss them

May 1......our dog Buddy is very very sick, and I am very very sad