Perspective

My energy has been the level of a limp noodle today, so I have rested......drank lots of water.....eaten a little.....walked down to the barn.......and rested.  I have to remind myself these are not wasted days, these are  the days when the battery has to recharge.  These are the  days when I am reminded that the body is not indestructible, and that it is ok to sit in the sun, feel the breeze, and just be happy.

I realized around five this afternoon  that I had not even looked at my e-mail since early morning.....I had actually made a list in my day planner, but I never look at it again today, I have learned the hard way, my body will get what it needs or I will be very sick.

I use to wonder why every Christmas Eve I came down with strep throat, once I left the retail world and the stresses of buy,buy, buy, sell, sell, sell.......the strep never came back.  I know that we're told that cold and flu and season hit because we are inside in the heat, etc.....but I also  think come the holidays we let our stress levels hit the roof and we get sick.

So, with the holiday season approaching, take care of yourselves.  Get some extra sleep, drink lots of water, wash you hands often, eat fresh fruit and vegetables, and every once in awhile, look around take a breath and ask yourself......what would I be doing if this was my last holiday season with my family......that will help keep it all in perspective.

Goodnight, Sweet dreams

Treatment # 10

Treatment # 10......walked into the room this morning and I did not see a familiar face.......a little bit of panic.  None of my chair buddies were there, the television was blaring, my veins were rolling......I breathed.  A new mix of meds today.......bone stuff included,  hopefully we have nixed the thinning process.

I kept breathing, the room was full, lots of activity,but began to talk with the woman beside me.
She was just what I needed, funny and kind. A jolt of pain as the needle finally found a spot in the hand that didn't duck and run for cover.  The nurses were in overdrive......because of the holiday next week, ( and no one wants an infusion on Thanksgiving) it seemed the chairs were booked back to back.

I keep breathing, the kind funny woman is done, the television seems to get louder and louder......the patient who has the remote keeps channel surfing........suddenly an answer to a prayer.....one of my buddies appears......and he looks GREAT!  and he is doing great, eating, no more radiation, and there is hope in his eyes as well as his wife's.  We both express worry and concern for those who are not there today.......we try to stay positive......which is hard to do, with a blaring television.

The big green chair feels as if it is going to swallow me today.....I am freezing and even the warm blankets are not helping. My friends and I try to talk above the incessant blather of the television.
I breathe.........Rick comes in to visit, the hospital book stores have bought some of his books to sell, he is happy.  The room begins to quiet down, patients leave, the remote control is back with the nurses, I finally ask them if we can turn off the tv if it is ok with the other patients......the patients who are left cheer......even the nurses seemed relieved to turn that ridiculous box off.
Why do they have a television in a place of healing?  I know the standard answer to that question.......because it takes your mind off your troubles.........I think that is BS.....I think music, I think caring people around you, I think hearing laughter and voices of those who are walking a path much like the one you are,  I think connecting, or  sitting there reading a book or meditating......sorry, you all know how I feel about that damn tv.
It is late, I am tired.....the green chair wore me to a frazzle today.

Tomorrow

I am not sure how the moon and stars are lined up, but chaos seems to be the ruling planet in my

universe today.  Maybe it is because today was my first real meal since Saturday, and tomorrow is Treatment #10, or maybe it is the fact that life is messy and we all end up knee deep in it sometime.

And did I mention that tomorrow is treatment day?

One of my students asked today if I get nervous before treatments........the truth, yes......I'm not sure why......well, I do know why.  I will spend most of my day tomorrow in an infusion room, where most of the patients have cancer and are receiving what they hope and pray are life saving chemicals.

Going there for me, is like gearing up for battle, for myself, and my friends that I have made in that room.  No matter how I feel, I know when I walk in that room, that my week has probably been a cakewalk compared to what many of my "chair buddies" have had.   

I feel that it is somehow my duty, my destiny if you will, to bring one tiny glimmer of hope with me each time I walk through that door. Yes, I am receiving  life saving chemicals too, but I don't have cancer......I still have my hair.  Yes, I have lost a lot of weight, and yes, the bones are thinning.....but I don't have cancer.  Each time I look around that room, each time I think about that room......there is a tugging at my heartstrings........I know there is always the risk that I lose another "chair buddy."

Spending days in that room has changed me forever.  Honestly, ( and no, I am not wishing bad healthy on anyone) but I think every person I know would benefit from time spent in that room.

So I walk into that room tomorrow, with a smile on my face and a heart full of love and pray  for that one short day, I am able to share love and a little joy and maybe a tiny ray of hope to someone sitting next to me.  Sending blessings to all of you, asking for prayers for all of us.

Warm Cozy Night

Please accept my apologies for not posting yesterday.......since my treatments started in February, I have had really bad bouts of nausea, what can I say it's like being in a horror movie, but my head doesn't spin.

Saturday evening, sitting with our friends it hit, the rest of my night was spent pretty much on the bathroom floor, trying to keep ice chips down.  (sorry for the graphics) Sunday I was out of it, I finally had solid food about an hour ago.  This too shall pass.

Pouring rain this morning, freezing temps tonight, I think we can safely say, fall is here to stay.
As the rain poured down this morning, I watched leaves swirling down to earth, it was a great meditation.  The flannel sheets are on the bed, it will be a cozy night.

My nephew James brought his wife and four children to yoga class tonight.  The children, ages 1 to 10 seemed to love it.  When I gave them warm blankets for relaxation, they almost went to sleep!
Their son, Stone told his parents as they left he wanted me to teach yoga to his basketball team.
Teaching yoga to a roomful of 10 year old boys could be interesting.  :)

Wishing you all a warm cozy night, my cup of ginger tea is waiting.
Goodnight, Sweet dreams

Thank You

This rather early in the day for my blog writing, but it has been such an emotional day I wanted to try and capture all that I could.  My hometown celebrated Veteran's Day today......it's a small town, maybe 4,000 to 5,000 people, if you drove through, you'd never take a second glance.

I have spent most of my life in or near this town, my parents grew up in communities nearby.
Rick and I have been involved with our Veteran's Board for the past few years, I have never regretted any time that I have given them.  Our memorial is beautiful, it recognizes every branch of military service and our POW's and MIA's.  Today, I had several people tell me that even in much larger towns, they had not seen  a memorial as beautiful as ours.

Rick and I were asked to sing today, and honestly, it's hard to sing when you're crying.  We had invited our friend Wes to sing also.  As I looked at the Veterans who were there today, and the active service men and women as well, I was overcome with emotion.  There were three local Veterans who were recognized for their service to country as well as community.  One, an 82 year old Navy Seal, who even though has battled cancer for three years, stood as erect and tall as a 20 year old. A 90 year old, who was one of my dad's best friends and an 80something, Merchant Marine.

Many of my parents friends were there today, and I was flooded with thoughts of my mom and dad.....and drowned in the sadness of missing them.  Later at lunch, at the local BBQ Joint, I saw another one of my dad's dearest friends......it seems I have cried most of this day.

I have thought about my brothers, my dad, his brother, and so many of my cousins and friends who have sacrificed so very much for our country.  I will never be able to repay them for all that they have done.

Today as the service closed with the Honor Guard playing Taps, 21 white doves were released.........a symbol of what I pray for every day..........Peace.
To all of you, who have served, are currently serving, prayers for protection, prayers for peace........
hugs and love to you all..........and a great big Thank You.

Expose and Undo

"Meditation is not a matter of trying to achieve ecstasy, spiritual bliss or tranquility; nor is it attempting to become a better person.  It is simply the creation of a space in which we are able to  expose and undo our neurotic games, our self-deceptions, our hidden hopes and fear. "
- Chogyam Trungpa

I read this quote today, and realized I have so far to go, so much to learn.........it will take much longer than this life time to achieve what I am hoping for.  I reach a point where I think my soul is bare, that all about me is known, that nothing is hidden........I then realize that the surface has only been scratched.  The complexity of being human can be overwhelming.........thank goodness for meditation.

Blessings of peace to all of you tonight

Picking Up the Pieces

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.  There is a time for silence.  A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.  And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. " - Gloria Naylor

Picking up the pieces is a nasty job, but a good friend will be there to help.  That time of silence can be quite difficult too, these words also pertain to relatives as well as friends.

Long day, the lure of a soft pillow and warm bed can no longer be ignored.
Good night, Sweet dreams