I realized something about my myself today as I was teaching......my strongest strength is also one of my greatest weaknesses. It has become way too apparent these past few days. I know that I am a caregiver, and I have always put others before me, the past few years that trait has rattled my cage more times than I care to count.
I have battled an infection for months, and I have seen my docs, but I never slowed down......I took the meds
and went on my way. The past couple of weeks have been more than difficult......the meds have ravaged me....no sleep, emotions all over the place, it has been some time since I was where I am now. I think today
brought me to me my knees, I am ready to do what it takes to find my health again.
Last week, I looked in the mirror and it was hard to recognize the face looking back at me. I should have known, for the past few weeks, everyone who saw me, said the same thing...."you look so tired". My new primary doc looked at me last week and said she didn't know how I was walking around, I was so embarrassed to tell her that I pushed myself, pushed like no body's business.....that for days I could barely
think, I was so sick, so tired.
I know this post may sound ludicrous to some of you, but I truly know how I got here......and there may be some of you who are like me........I was reared by a stoic mom.......unless there was blood gushing, unless you were unable to walk, unless you blinded by the pain......you put one foot in front of the other, and you did what you were suppose to do. Now, logically, I know that is NOT what you do, unless you are running for your life.....but conditioning in early life, well it is hard to change.
But, I am looking at myself tonight, once again trying to redefine all things important to me.....trying to remember what really is important, what truly is the big stuff, it is hard. This is the one day at a time, one breath at a time, let go, and decide. I am writing this tonight, as part of my healing, to see these words and try to understand, how hard I am on me.......I know that there are many of you just like me, and that is why
I sit here and strike these keys.
There are more weeks to go on the meds, my kitchen calendar has them marked. My body craves sleep,
and now the hunger has hit, and it appears to be all consuming........water has become my best friend and great love. This was not written for sorrow, not written for your pity, just to let you know......if you are like me, I understand your struggle......it is after all .......Transformation Information......some days I need it as much as anyone!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
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Wow, Jilda...you described my Mother to a T. I was rescued from pneumonia at age 13 only after I fell down the huge central staircase of my junior high school after fainting. The school called my Mother and said I could not return to school until I had a Dr's Note. That was when they discovered I had a walloping case of the big P. My siblings and I really had to be on death's door to not participate in life and I still do that to myself.
ReplyDeleteHope you take good care of yourself...feel better...
Hugs~
OH Jilda!! You must heal and rest and heal and look after yourself!! Oh dear! I'm so sorry to read that the meds are taking their toll - so you need to bolster up your other bits and bobs to help you along - and that means putting yourself first!! Take care
ReplyDeletex
Yep, you've just described me too. I've been where you are too many times. It's a lesson we keep having to repeat isn't it? Rest and feel better because I am looking forward to seeing you in October!
ReplyDeleteJilda my sweet friend, seems you have finally decided to put on the brakes and take care of #1. Please take the proper time to mend girl. I know from experience that if you are still weak and charge ahead it will come back to bite you. Take care of Jilda, OK?
ReplyDeleteI have always been like you. Never called in sick unless I truly couldn't get out of bed. My husband was the same way. He was a chef and used to say who's going to cook if I'm not there? Well he ended up with a heart attack and I've had a close call with my appendix and blood pressure. I also got Mono at 27 which knocked me down for 6 solid months. I now am looking out for myself. And I'm so glad you are listening to your body.
ReplyDeleteI think throwing some patience in the mix might do some good as well. Sometimes it takes longer for our bodies to heal. The most important thing is that we listen to what it is trying to tell us. It sounds like you are finally trying to do that.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that most times, we as women tend to push ourselves harder to begin with. Deep down we feel like the world can't spin properly unless we keep turning it manually! At least that's the way I feel most of the time. But I think I have slowed down some and when my body tells me to stop and rest, I do.
Good Luck Jilda, I hope you are on the mend soon!! Love Di ♥